Marked - Chapter 1 Sporking

CHAPTER ONE

Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse I saw the dead guy standing next to my locker.

Ahhh, my favorite way to start off a story: the main character bitching. You’re not related to Bella Swan by chance, are you?

Kayla was talking nonstop in her usual K-babble, and she didn't even notice him.

Wow, rude. “Babbling” is usually used as an insult, you know. Seeing as this person is supposed to be your best friend, the fact that you’re clearly not listening to a word she’s saying just backs up my theory: Bella Swan was also very uninterested in what her “friends” had to say.

At first. Actually, now that I think about it, no one else noticed him until he spoke, which is, tragically, more evidence of my freakish inability to fit in.

And right off the bat, we’re treated to one of the most famous Mary Sue clichés. When it comes to other people, a Mary Sue usually falls into one of two categories: either she’s immediately the most popular girl who ever existed, and her adoring followers immediately drop to their knees to worship her, or she’s the freak, the outcast, the loner. …who usually ends up with adoring followers who immediately drop to their knees to worship her.

Funny how that works.

Speaking of Mary Sue clichés, it's time to start a count that's going to end up being staggeringly high. Most of the characters in this series exist only to kiss Zoey's ass and tell her how awesome and amazing she is. So, with that in mind…

Speshul Snowflake: 1

 

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Marked - Chapter 2 Sporking

CHAPTER TWO

When I figured that enough time had passed for everyone to have left school, I flopped my hair back over my forehead and left the bathroom, hurrying to the doors that led to the student parking lot.

Wait, so… Zoey spent all that time admiring herself in the mirror? I can’t really say I’m surprised, but I am disgusted.

I suppose I should be grateful that we’re not subjected to an entire book of WAAAANGST about how terrible her life is going to be now, but given what I know about Zoey, this is just going to serve to massively inflate her ego, which is already big enough to have its own gravitational pull.

Not a good thing.

Everything seemed all clear—there was just some random kid wearing those seriously unattractive gang wanna-be baggy pants cutting across the far end of the lot.

You Judgemental Bastards: 13

*explodes in a cloud of rage* I HATE YOU! HATE HATE HATE HAAAAATE!

Can you seriously not go for more than a few paragraphs without insulting someone?! All you had to do was say that there was still a person left in the parking lot, but that he was too far away to notice you.

But no! You just had to add in the fact that he was wearing those pants and be condescending.

I don’t know what she gets more pleasure from—her toadies praising and worshipping her, or insulting and degrading everyone else around her.

 

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Marked - Chapter 3 Sporking

CHAPTER THREE

At first glance my step-loser, John Heifer, appears to be an okay guy, even normal. (Yes, that's really his last name—and, sadly, it is also now my mom's last name. She's Mrs. Heifer. Can you believe it?)

Okay, I can see how that might be funny in some instances.

When he and my mom started dating I actually overheard some of my mom's friends calling him "handsome" and "charming." At first. Of course now Mom has a whole new group of friends, ones Mr. Handsome and Charming thinks are more appropriate than the group of fun single women she used to hang with.

More evidence of this man’s controlling nature. I don’t like this at all. I’m getting Twilight and 50 Shades war flashbacks, and I don’t appreciate it.

 

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Marked - Chapter 4 Sporking

CHAPTER FOUR

So I sat on my bed and coughed while I listened to my mom making a frantic call to our shrink's emergency line, followed quickly by another equally hysterical call that would activate the dreaded People of Faith prayer tree.

Down With the Sickness: 33

Would you just eat a cough drop or something already?! I got sick of all your coughing in the first chapter. Not to mention that if you keep doing that, you’re going to tear your throat up.

Within thirty minutes our house would begin to fill up with fat women and their beady-eyed pedophile husbands.

Okay, first of all, fuck you; do you think all religious people are fat and/or pedophiles? Because they’re not.

Secondly, why do you insist on looking down your nose at every. Single. Person in this book? I promise, saying something nice about a person won’t kill you.

You Judgemental Bastards: 20

 

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Marked - Chapter 5 Sporking

CHAPTER FIVE

The path up the side of the bluffs had always been steep, but I'd climbed it about a gazillion times, with and without my grandma, and I'd never felt like this.

Oh boy, here we go again… Crash helmets, everyone, WAAAANGST incoming!

It wasn't just the coughing anymore. And it wasn't just the sore muscles. I was dizzy and my stomach had started to gurgle so badly that I was reminding myself of Meg Ryan in the movie French Kiss after she ate all that cheese and had a lactose-intolerance fit.

Name Drop: 11

Down With the Sickness: 39

If you’re feeling dizzy and your stomach is growling, that’s usually an indication that you need to eat. Maybe you should have made yourself a sandwich or something before attempting a strenuous activity. It’s not like you can’t still eat human food.

(Kevin Kline is really cute in that movie—well, for an old guy.)

Name Drop: 12

 

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Marked - Chapter 6 Sporking

CHAPTER SIX

Beautiful, see the cloud, the cloud appear. Beautiful, see the rain, the rain draw near…

I know this is technically correct, but it looks so wrong to me, like it’s missing words, or written with improper grammar.

The words of the ancient song floated through my mind. I must be dreaming about Grandma Redbird again.

What does one have to do with the other? Is it a song she used to sing to you? Did she teach you the words? Clarify the connection, please.

It made me feel warm and safe and happy, which was especially nice, since I'd felt so crappy lately…except I couldn't remember exactly why. Huh. Odd.

Down With the Sickness: 49

You can’t remember why, yet we still have to hear you bitch about it. I still don’t have any sympathy for you.

 

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Marked - Chapter 7 Sporking

CHAPTER SEVEN

"What time is it?”

Time for you to die!

We were walking down a narrow hall that curved gently. The walls were made of an odd mixture of dark stone and jutting brick.

That sounds…really ugly.

Every so often flickering gaslights that hung from old-fashioned-looking black iron sconces stuck out of the wall, giving off a soft yellow glow that was, thankfully, really easy on my eyes.

Two things. One, you’re living in a school full of vampires. Did you really think they would choose a type of lighting that would hurt their eyes?

Two, why specifically did they choose gas lamps? That seems really impractical. Not only would it use up a fuck ton of gas, but if there were ever a leak, the whole school would be blasted sky high. Plus, what kind of maintenance must those things need to stay working properly? Who keeps them lit? Who fixes them when they break? Where do they get the gas?

In this day and age, it seems like there would be better alternatives. The brightness of electric light can be adjusted, and if you want to be old-fashioned, even candles are a better resource than gas.

 

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Marked - Chapter 8 Sporking

CHAPTER EIGHT

The part of the House of Night that held the dorms was way across campus, so we had a fairly long walk, and Neferet seemed to be walking slowly on purpose, giving me plenty of time to ask questions and gawk.

When you described the campus in the last chapter, I didn’t get the impression that it was very big. The “long walk” shouldn’t be all that long, unless you’re shuffling along like a snail through molasses.

Not that I minded. Walking the length of the sprawling castle-like cluster of buildings,

Of which you only described two: the main building and the church…temple…thing.

with Neferet pointing out little details about what was what, gave me a sense of the place.

Hence the purpose of why she’s taking it slow, I assume. But thank you, Captain Obvious. I wasn’t sure if I would have figured that out on my own.

It was weird, but in a good way. Plus, walking felt normal. Actually, as odd as it sounds, I felt like myself again. I wasn't coughing.

Down With the Sickness: 62

My body didn't ache.

Down With the Sickness: 63

My head even had stopped hurting.

Down With the Sickness: 64

STOP BRINGING THAT UP, OH MY FUCKING GOD. Why should feeling like yourself sound odd? Have you made a habit of not feeling like yourself over your lifetime? You made it clear that getting to the House of Night would make you stop feeling sick, and—shock and surprise—it made you stop feeling sick! Plus, Neferet already made your headache go away, so I don’t know why you’re so bewildered about feeling better.

 

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